Thursday, July 02, 2009

Sensory Inventory XIII

These signals are not all functioning properly in my body. The neural network that is supposed to do the work of transmitting signals through my brain is partly dead or dying. Cells that used to be in the loop no longer carry any signals, so like a little child, I am teaching my body to send the signal through parts of the brain that are still living.

This process is frustrating, because not only is it agonizingly slow, but also ensuing strokes can undo all the work I have done for months, and more. All in a matter of seconds.

Not that I am griping.

Yes I am.

It is patently unfair. Tedious and tiresome. Long and uneventful, with short meaningful episodes that tend to be filled with despair and horror.

I think death would bring welcome peace.

Much of the sensory map of my body seems to be fairly static for the past few weeks. But I am concerned about a growing proprioception faultiness in my hips that throws me off balance betimes. It catches me at odd moments when I let down my guard, and I awkwardly stumble and teeter to keep from falling.

If it continues to get worse, I will consult with the neurologists again. But that is a tough choice, when they want something objective to evaluate, and I have only a feeling to offer.

Toes on my left foot have come to life, after a fashion -- they hurt, most of the time. Right foot, pretty dead. Legs - not much tactile sense. Abdomen same. The consistent thing is not much change to report. If things are changing, it is very slow.

Slow seems to be the order of the day.

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