Thursday, July 02, 2009

Rehab progress 35

I am performing as well as can be expcted at my PT sessions. Up to a half mile in fifteen minutes on the treadmill, with very minimal noticeable exertion. I will start increasing the pace, as my balance and equilibrium hopefully continue to improve. By my estimate I am equivalent to the level of performance I was at after recovering from the first stroke for two months. At that point I had another stroke, so I am not hoping for a repeat of that sequence.

I am having other problems, though. Lack of ability stops me at every turn. I cannot do all the things I want to do. I am suffering from mental depression that makes everything look that much more difficult. And I have seeming insurmountable troubles with running my business venture,.

I suppose these things will work out. They always do...

7 comments:

Patricia said...

Jim,

I've had a dark week for similar reasons, marked by frustration and, at times, anger and misery. Had one deep, deep cry.

This isn't usual for me, even after 17 years of worry, weariness (including years of sleep deprivation), and semi-housebound lifestyle. I think even the most seasoned of us, caught up by our circumstances, have these times when it all seems too much.

I've had to turn down several events and requests to participate in ventures and adventures lately because I can't leave the house for as long as others' expectations or the duration of the events require. I noticed recently that over the last year, my online language has become marked by glaring spelling errors, grammatical trip-ups, and clouded meaning---a byproduct of the deficiencies in sleep. Whenever I embark on what could be a career-boosting project, my special needs daughter develops a problem that draws off my time and energy, sometimes for weeks, even months. Then I can't recall what I was doing before the trouble started.

When I try to voice my frustration to people asking for this kind of explanation or another for why I don't do what they expect I ought to, they completely overwrite my story with their own take, demonstrating their superior understanding---far exceeding my own, of course---of my life, a life they haven't lived. This has always happened, even when I was small. But lately, when I've been in need, such denial of my life as I know it has provoked me to rare moments of anger.

I'm in a boat similar to yours, if not exactly the same sort of watercraft. I understand something of your view of those "insurmountable troubles." I can see some of them from here.

And yet, how strongly you've stood before all the spectres you've faced, even with legs shaking or otherwise failing to support you, has given me much to go on. I hope you understand what I mean by that---it isn't just a false postitive note tossed off in your direction. We went on a remarkable journey together all on the Internet that taught me much and opened up the world in a new direction. It changed my life.

I don't mean for my own griping to add to your troubles. I just wanted to say that I get something of what you're saying and that I think I can express my own troubles to you because you'll get something of what I'm saying without telling me a story you've made up about my life and asserting it as the real truth of my condition.

Also, I like you as you are, with your bear heart and your bull mind, even after all that brain of yours has been through.

Astonishing.

Your friend always,
Patricia

Jim Cobabe said...

Patricia,

Thanks, kind words from a friend are always appreciated. I understand somewhat of the challenges you face.

May the Lord grant that our burdens seem light, that we can ever bear up well.

Patricia said...

Jim,

Thanks so much for letting me release some steam. I needed that.

I hope your holiday weekend offers up to you some pleasant hours.

Grandma Cobabe said...

Patricia,I appreciate the comments you make.I did work with severely handicapped children inThe public schools in Calif. for about 10 years.Most of the kids were from Mexico or asian countries.
I thot the school was a great break for the mothers.Most of them were so poor.THESE KIDS WERE SEVERELY HANDICAPPED. sOME WERE BLIND AND DEAF AND SPENT THe HOLE TIME IN A WHEEL CHAIR. sOME HAD TO BE TUBE FED AND SOME HAD TO BE FED ONLY BLENDED FOOD AS THEY COULD NOT SWALLOW AND COULD ONLY KIND OF SUCK FOOD DOWN. MANY HAD FAILURE TO THRIVE BECAUSE THE FAMILY COULD NOT AFFORD A BLENDER OR SPECIAL FOOD.tHEY STAYED AT THE LITTLE SCHOOL UNTIL THEY WERE 21 YRS OLD tHEY WERE PICKED UP EVERY MORNING ON LOTTLE SCHOOL BUSES.tHE WHEEL CHAIRS WOULD BE STRAPPED DOWN.oNE LITTLE BOY NAMED jACINTO WAS ONLY 8 LBS WHEN HE WAS 6 YRS OLD.tHE ONLY SOUND HE EVER MADE WAS SEVERAL TIMES WHEN HE ARRIVED OFF THE BUS HE WOULD HAVE GREAT BIG TEARS RUNNING DOWN HIS CHEEKS AND HIS MOUTH OPEN WIDE MAKING A SORT OF HOWL.tHE REST OF THE TIME HE NEVER MADE A SOUND. bUT WHEN HE WAS HAPPY HIS FACE SHONE IN A HUGE SMILE.i THINK HE WAS CRYING ON THE BUS BECAUSE HE WAS SO HUNGRY.wE FED THEM BREAKFAST AND LUNCH.wE DID NOT KNOW IF THEY GOT ANY DINNER AT HOME.Mary

Grandma Cobabe said...

Yikes my typing is terrible!!!! I guess my post was too long.It did not put the rest up.Any way do not despair.I think you have been a great mother and you have devoted yourself to taking care if your child.I commend you.I do know how hard it is for me to take care of everyone and have days when I just plainly feel too ill to carry on. I get out of sorts and cross.Mostly at my own limitations. Br of good Cheer. Love Mary

Patricia said...

Mary,

Thanks for your thoughtfulness. Your statement, "I get out of sorts and cross. Mostly at my limitations"---the "mostly at my limitations" captures pretty well the source of my recent frustration. I appreciate your good wishes.

I was sounding off to Jim because I thought I heard him speaking of the isolation and frustration he sometimes feels in relation to his own strivings. I wanted to let him know he wasn't alone in his aloneness. And also to let him know that while we all hope for his improvement and wellbeing, who he is right now has proven very valuable to me, personally.

I'll be all right, thanks in part to Jim's letting me rant a little. :)

Now that I've expressed my 17th year frustration, I can let it ride until I find better words for better options---till I find the door that will let me out of my current limitations, the opening I need to find the better way.

Oh, and more sleep would probably help, too. Gonna try to get that this week ...

Patricia said...

So Jim,

You mention you suppose "these things will work out."

I'd like to know if and when they are. I hope you'll let us know.