Friday, February 27, 2009

Sensory Inventory IIX

This morning, I could not detect the temperature of the water with my hands or arms. The shower continues to be a most useful gauge of the creeping gradual decrease of sensory loss as it travels across the parts of my body.

I am pretty certain that I suffered another mild stroke or TIA in the brain stem region of my brain last week. I did not feel another trip to doctors or hospital stay was warranted, given the circumstances. They would simply document the new damage, and have me go through more interminable series of "stupid pet tricks". I cannot abide more of that so-solicitous don't you just want some anti-depressants to make you feel all happy and cheerful?

Well, no, thanks anyway, but sometimes I just want to wallow in misery and self-pity. I'll get over it. Like the gods who prepared Achilles, they left me with a weakness. It is obvious that I need an occasional refuge from the harshness of reality. SSRIs and drug-induced euphoria simply do not seem to do it for me. So I take leave from reality. I lose my grip. I go slightly nuts. However you want to put it. The place I find comfort is inside, a dream world of fantasy and perhaps a bit warp nightmarish that simply does not exist outside the walls of my mind. There is a fully rational part of me that knows and recognizes this fact. But, nonetheless, sometimes I give in to the fantasy. Perhaps it is a regression to childhood dreams. If it is, I don't remember them, or have blocked the recollection. All I know is that it somehow works...


Anonymous said...

Yikes! Don't burn yourself in the shower! I guess knowing the area that the knob should be will help--can you mark it with a permanant pen?

Drugs have always been a more frightening place of refuge to me than pain--except when I had a baby! :-) I totally understand that "sometimes I just want to wallow in misery and self-pity" part! That seems a pretty common human view.

If you can "dream" away from the pain, and come back to "reality" I guess it's ok--pretty amazingly creative at the least. Just don't go too far away. And don't let the ugly nightmares rule and take over, keep them in their place. Use the beauty and good things you know to overcome the evil.

Love you,

Jim Cobabe said...


I know what you mean about burning myself. I already turned down the water heater so the shower water cannot scald, but the lavatory is much hotter. I am thinking about some kind of thermometer now.